Marriage Therapy. Marriage & Relationship Counselling

Your reading this article because you need help right?

Well we want to make this is simple as possible without the Psychobabble. There is a difference between a Counsellor, a Psychologist & a Psychiatrist. Much like going to a General Doctor or GP, versus then going to a Specialist Doctor, then maybe a Professor of that discipline. Naturally the more defined their skills, the more specific they will be in their chosen field.

It would be rare if not unlikely that you would seek relationship advice from a Psychiatrist, for one their fees are the highest, and well deserved I might add, though you would most likely seek them out for extreme mental illnesses, or when medical intervention is required. Whereas a Marriage & Relationship Counsellor deals daily in the issues that arise commonly with couples, who will be the first port of call.

What we have found to be true, there are patterns of unhappiness that occur over time in relationships. You may think your problem or partner is the first to have had an experience like it, or behave in a way that is not normal. Well more often than not at some point in time we all experience common problems, they are just dressed in different clothes.

The biggest thing to bear in mind if you have the made decision to seek help, is not to expect an overnight result to your problems or issues. It may have taken 5, 10 or 20 years for these concerns to fester when you hit the breaking point. Unfortunately as many as 50% of clients that come to our practice have left it all too late.

If you are one of those in the 50% that it has gone too far, help is still at hand. What we know is that people that bounce from one relationship to the next tend to attract the same problems, or what may seem like the identical partner. This is because they have not dealt with the dirty laundry, so to speak. That’s where we can help.

Next in identifying your ideal Marriage or Relationship Counselor requires you to interview the Counsellor. Some people think a male or a female may give them better understanding, and that can work fine sometimes, though the right Counsellor will have both people’s interests at heart. It never ceases to amaze us how coming as individuals the story can be completely different or at least how it is interpreted. The right Counsellor will be smart enough to decipher fact from fiction, then they will apply or recommend the correct strategies for coming to a resolve, or improving behaviors.

There are various techniques for extracting the information from a client, and it is not all about the perceived lying down on the long leather sofa to reflect on childhood dramas, or bad experiences. Yes there could be some underlying unpleasant circumstances that have tainted you, or scarred you for life, that is a real possibility and it is not to be shrugged off. Though what we are trying to do in this article is firstly help you find the right Counsellor.

Our advice is ask that Counselor how they plan to help you, what techniques or real solutions do they offer. If you are going to see someone that sits there like a stunned mullet, asking you “How does that make you feel”, then expect if that is their only trick in the book, your real problems will not be resolved.

This is why at Positive Life Counseling in our practice on the Gold Coast we attract the couples that have had no success with their previous Counsellor, why you may ask? Because putting it politely, they are too fluffy for want of a better word.

If you want real solutions to real problems, seek out a Counsellor that is determined to get your life heading in the right direction, either with your current partner, or at least prepare you for greater happiness before the next relationship. Life is too short not to be happy.

Well, if you are a male and have made it into the 35 plus club, you can testify to having traveled a journey. Most of us have probably experienced multiple jobs, have married and created the nuclear 2.3 child family. Yet what is it for the majority of males that they feel a sense of emptiness or seem like we are lacking some major gratification?

You can argue that the imminent big 40 is now fast approaching and we are yet to accomplish something in excess of our current position. Well back the truck up, you are a long time dead. With advances in technology and medicine chances are you’re not even at the half way mark in this game we call life.

The most common trait in the typical 35+ males life is the belief of not having locked away the dream career, or more popular still deciding if you have enough courage to step into self employment. For those seeking independence and a truly rewarding lifestyle, this can conceivably be one of life’s biggest challenges. I am often a magnet for this male demographic who open up to this state of confusion in there life, with me.

To break this down further is to explore the two biggest human motives we encounter in life, and make no mistake macho men; these two emotions are fear and love. Nearly every human driving force is derived from these two emotional factors. How you may ask?

When we are motivated by fear and contrary to popular belief we use security and stability, which are outcomes of our actions, these can best be described as being in a fear based emotion. Turn the tables and be in an environment of happiness, support and caring for others, and you feel the presence of love.

So when you cannot face a life changing experience know that any excuses or objections are fueled by fear. So why do we fear the future? Because we have had 35+ years of good or bad judgement to sway our decision making process. So when we step out of our comfort zone our sub conscious mind or our library of historical events and experiences, throws up a red light warning us of a failed comparable time.

Psychologists have estimated that our emotive fears or worries result in 87% of concerns never coming to fruition, yet we continue to be critical of hope or a better way of life. The founder of McDonald’s restaurants Ray Kroc was quoted in saying if you are not prepared to take a risk, then get the hell out of business. Life really is no different we were put on this earth to encounter challenges and real problems. How boring would life be if it was that predictable you did not bother to take a chance?

Let us take a look at dreams and what they can mean and how you extract the wisdom. Take solace in finding and dedicating some quiet time for you. In today’s modern world of equal rights and share, a lot of us are now committing more time to the household family experience than ever before.

Our fathers worked their bodies to the core and more often than not left the family chores and upbringing of kids to their wives. Today as life becomes more technically advanced we are finding new ways to look busy in our newly created free time. So back to you, work out when is your best time in the day or week for some selfish me time.

What to do with this time is ponder, meditate or whatever takes your fancy. Then focus on what brings you alive, that feeling of I am invincible, or when you sense that sensation of joy. For some it might be going on holidays, or taking a test drive of your dream car or you may have an underlying passion or hobby, that simply needs exploiting. You will know it by what I like to call that good gut feeling when you know you cannot fail. Once you have identified what it is for you in that feel good moment, apply that to your dedicated time of reflection.

It will be in this reflection that you will start to unearth your life purpose. Some may say I have been on a mission in search of my purpose for some time, yet I have not unearthed it. This is common and not a time to beat your self up. Yes it can be harder to take risks when you have the responsibility of family and commitments. Though give yourself the privilege of at least acknowledging what makes you happy. Not all of us get to do what we love as a career, so allow the possibility there is scope to at least get a taste for it.

To draw the ultimate comparison is to ask your self what I would do if I knew I couldn’t fail. Let these ideas flow, perhaps put pen to paper to capture these thoughts. Now most of these thoughts will not be new, there will be events, people and places where you have enjoyed that feel good experience. Another way of identifying what you need to do is relate to a time where things were falling into place and you were on a high, there will be some point in life that you can reflect upon.

We can easily expand upon the many techniques to identify where you are at in your life, and those techniques can be shared by simply visiting the author of this article or request an appointment with our Life Coach at Positive Life Counselling, and request more information on unlocking your purpose. Remember you are not alone so continue to communicate with other like minded 35 plus males that exhibit a positive mental attitude, if you attract the doom and gloom people you get just that. Rest assured life need not be difficult it is us that make it hard.

Make today the first day of the rest of your life.

Do you know somebody in “The ain’t it awful club”, you know the one where life is a drag? Well we all have choices, so we can decide to join it or despise it. Many people complain and blame external circumstances for their own lack of decisiveness. They will go to work and complain about their spouses or partners, and then they go home and complain to them about their work. Neither party can or has any control over the situation.

So try not to complain about what is beyond yours or their control. Many people will bitch about the weather, though what can they do to influence it? Just let it be, and be grateful for the fact you get to experience another day on this magnificent planet we call earth.

Anxiety is the new buzz word for when life has handed us a lemon and we cannot cope, by simply making a choice to be happy is the first step towards pulling ones self out of the doldrums. There is a famous saying that goes “It doesn’t matter if you think you are right of if you think you are wrong either way you are correct”. Start using positive self talk, and pull yourself up, or for the ones affecting you either do not buy into their influence or suggest they change their language.

The subconscious brain is a powerful tool and is believed to control more than 90% of the way we live our life, yet we impress upon it with either a positive or negative thought, each time it will follow the instruction. For example if you say to someone learning to drive a car “Don’t hit the kerb” how do you think the subconscious mind interprets that? Yes we think “hit the kerb”. However a more positive instruction would be ‘stay centered in the middle of the road”.

So with some simple examples of how easy it is choose the life we wish to live, versus being a member of the “Ain’t it Awful Club” we can move in a more positive direction. Think about the effect you not only have on yourself, though the relationships you have, be it with friends, family or work mates. Decide today to communicate with a more positive language and self-talk, which will attract more people to you, than alienate.

If you cannot seem to get past the problems then seeking help in a Professional Counsellor might be the first step towards happiness. Positive Life Counselling offers a safe environment to open up, and acquire the skills to get your back on track. Visit their web site on to arrange an appointment.

Being asked if you are a controlling person is a confronting realization as most controlling people are unaware of their traits, what we aim to do in this short review is to help you identify controlling patterns and the effect it has on others.

One of the first behavioral patterns is the way you spend your time, the controlling individual is generally a very busy person and is always planning or organizing not just themselves though everybody in their circle of life. This is to the point of where they will constantly complain about not having enough me time, however they secretly like to be kept busy and always in demand. Call it a martyr if you wish, though the underlying truth is they crave acknowledgement and appreciation for their actions.

To the controlling person this may come as a surprise as they may have either lacked love or attention as a child, hence why it is playing out in their adult lives. This also affects the ones close to them, by having a regimented time controlling existence. Another pattern is the, what about me, it is all about me, poor me. As they have become accustomed to being in demand and the seeker of attention, that they are the first to suffer from not being the centre of attention.

Normally the controlling person will struggle with change, as it is their way or the highway. They fear change unless it is on their terms, if not it rocks their world. Funnily enough these will be the people that openly admit; oh I do not like change, yet will be the first to get a new hairstyle or will have to buy that item of clothing that stands out and attracts attention.

Theses dominant people typically are reluctant to move, and quite often will become a prisoner of their own life because moving house or town is the furthest thing from their mind, and anybody that does it is crazy. Naturally they will have an opinion of your transient ways, why because they are imparting their values upon you without consideration to what is important to you.

The controlling person is rarely wrong and struggles to admit defeat, remember how can you be in control if you are not right? So here is the first step to admitting you’re a controlling person, is allowing others to actually have a point of view, or a belief without actually challenging them. So simply by letting go of your righteousness do you start to open up, and to realize others are not be reliant upon you. Your not here to save the world and yes the world will go on even in your absence.

Have you ever noticed that the controlling parent has little time for the child and quite often the child is screaming out for attention to the point of misbehaving to the disgust or annoyance of the controlling person, why, again because it is not on their terms? One can argue the other extreme of the over zealous parents that push there children into a sport that the child is expected to excel at, whilst potentially fulfilling there own lack or acknowledgement as a child.

Note help is not far away when you acknowledge your pattern of behavior, by seeking help. Guidance from a professional like a marriage counsellor or a general life counsellor before it is too late is the best medicine. Although the willingness to change must be there before consulting help, otherwise it may lead to a catastrophe either in your relationship or your family. Controlling people are not limited to male or female, many women suffer a controlling husband either through verbal or physical abuse when it is clearly not on. Equally a nagging wife may drive the male away from home to the point of divorce.

Controlling behavior is almost like a disease that needs treatment, quite often these types of people attract cancer, arthritis and many other debilitating illnesses because they swallow the anger and impatience of other people not meeting their expectations. Unless you are keen to attract these health related causes, stop and take a look at how you are impacting on your friends and family, and start accepting and loving yourself. As all this need for acknowledgement is an act to compensate for this loss of love. Lets us face it, the most important person in most peoples lives are themselves, so let go and quit being the victim.

Positive Life Counselling offers a safe environment to open up, and acquire the skills to get their relationship back on track. Visit their web site on to arrange an appointment.

Why is it that so many relationships end in divorce? The statistics will vary across the globe from as little as 5% in Macedonia to as high as 68% in Belarus. Regardless of the figure the emotional impact, stress, family split and the monetary heart aches it creates is never pleasant. Yet as a society the majority will go on blaming their partners for short comings and rarely will take responsibility for their own actions.

A big statement you might say though it took two people to concur in marrying in the first place, though most will tell you it only took one to pull it apart. Being a living testament in having both parents and in-laws divorced the common thread lay in their breakdown is communication. They are not unique yet how many will part ways and forgive the other for their suffering, and then sit back and admit to how they may have contributed to the breakdown. We all have a part to play, what was yours?

It is not one of lifes greatest mysteries, wars are fought, won or lost, businesses will fail and relationships will breakdown, not just in the past , it will happen today and beyond. However so much angst and grief could easily be avoided if the communication channels were opened up. Granted some people realize after a while that their intentions were good early in the piece though they have out grown their spouse. When couples first meet there is something clearly that appealed to them from the outset, be it lust or loneliness, though more often there is a common bond. This bond over time breakdowns then complacency steps in.

More often than not the cause of most divorces is a result of individuals not communicating effectively. When we literally share our feelings with our husband or wife and truthfully I repeat truthfully tell them how we feel and why, understanding will start to develop. Sure the truth is not always pleasant, and as the saying goes the truth hurts rings louder than any other moment. If you are the recipient of this truth stop and listen, an argumentive person will retaliate, though STOP and allow the possibility you are wrong. Also allow your spouse to have an opinion; you may not like it though they are entitled to it.

In advanced negotiation skills one is taught to listen and not talk, and how many times have you heard someone say I simply let them get it out of their system then they felt better, this is no difference. There are other statements about laziness or lack of co-operation in the relationship; again it comes back to communication. We can all be guilty of complacency at some time or another though if it is repeated then it has become a trait or a pattern. Did we let that happen over time, it can be resolved by opening up yet again?

Now if all this sounds too good to be true then early intervention may come in the form of a marriage counsellor, whom remains impartial and can stimulate and encourage open communication before it is too late. A common scenario for example among males is the tendency to shut down the communication lines to avoid confrontation. Yet how many people truly open up and share their deepest feelings.

An example might be as simple as the spouse arriving home late having not called to advise their partner, only to find utter abuse upon arrival home. Why we do this, put simply it is fear, as humans we naturally assume the worse and think they could have had an accident. The truth lay in if they died or were seriously hurt how would I handle the loss of companionship, financial support etc you finish the story. Yet if we were to open up and say I feared you may have been hurt, I was scared and did not know where you were, I do not want to lose you. Now do you agree that sounds better than a verbal tirade?

So in summary, stop and listen, allow the possibility you may be wrong, say how you feel truthfully, admit you are scared, and for goodness sake create an understanding for one another that allows the communication channels to remain open. If all else fails seek counsel in a professional that has the techniques to assist you, to bring back the attraction and love you shared when you first met. Positive Life Counselling offers couples a safe environment to open up, and acquire the skills to get their relationship back on track. Visit their web site on to arrange an appointment.